I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
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Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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