made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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