I heard we made out
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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