I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
