plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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