just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
