And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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