What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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