I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
