I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
