I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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