It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
