I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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