Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
