Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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