Pants 0. Shit 1.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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