How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
