I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
