You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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