I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
