Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
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Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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