I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
