R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
