I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
