There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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