The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
