Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
