remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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