just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
