There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
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