He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
