I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
