'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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