I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
