He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
