My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
