I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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