There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
