FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You dont lie about slip and slides
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
