I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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