Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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