I have demons in me.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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