you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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