i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
