Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
