i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
