Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
