I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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