Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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