im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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