Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
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