conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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