my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
