got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
