i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
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It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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