Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
