I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
