she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
