We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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