chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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