I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
